One of the signs of maturity is the ability to accept one's mistakes, to rectify one's behavior, and make amends where necessary. Almost every day I interview someone who sincerely believes that the source of his or her problems lies in somebody else. One third grader told me how his classmates "forced" him to get angry at them. A teenager told me how his mom's attitude caused him to lie constantly. A young married woman tried to convince me that she had to drink because her husband got on her nerves. I could tell you more stories, but the point is that as if we fall into the habit of blaming others for our mistakes and flaws, we will never do better. A wise person once said that when we blame others for our mistakes we give up our power to change. In other words as long as I hold others responsible for my attitude and my errors, I keep from looking in the mirror and identifying who is really at fault.
The same is true in relationships. It's easy to believe that our friends, spouses, parents, children, or co-workers need to do everything they possibly can to make us happy and keep us from getting upset. We demand that everyone walk on eggshells around us and cater to our every whim. This is an attitude of extreme selfishness and a recipe for a toxic relationship.
In order for us to be able to own up to our imperfections, we need to develop an honest connection with ourselves. We need to understand that we're not perfect and that we will make mistakes; everybody does. But instead of beating up on ourselves and feeling dejected over our shortcomings, we must be willing to rise above the situation, learn from it, take care of the damage, and then move on. Continually pointing fingers at others in a weak attempt to shift the attention or the blame turns you into a toxic person, the kind wise mothers tell their kids to stay away from.
How can you know if you're a toxic person?
1.You expect others to be responsible for your amusement. You go to a party and then complain that it was boring just because you chose to sulk in a corner while everybody else had fun.
2. You think being real means it's your duty to criticize and condemn everybody's ideas and suggestions. Some people mask their hostility by saying they're being honest.
3. You feel uncomfortable when somebody else gets complimented. Even though your work was not as good as the others, you expect to be celebrated for it.
4. You need to be the center of attention all the time, and when you're not, you do whatever it takes to get all eyes on you.
5. You call up your friends and immediately launch into a monologue about your life, your problems, your issues without even bothering to utter the clichéd "how are you?"
6. When somebody points out something you need to improve you turn it around and point out their own defects. You find it really hard to accept advice.
7. You look down on others who are not as attractive and successful as you think you are.
8. You go shopping and probably spend more than you should in an attempt to look better than "so-and-so". Thousands end up in debt because they buy stuff they don't need just to keep up with the Joneses.
9. You find yourself doing whatever it takes to impress, even if it means deliberately making a "friend" look bad.
10. You blame others for your mistakes or you cover them up, but are merciless with the shortcomings of others.
11. You notice that people sometimes make up silly excuses just to avoid you.
12. Most of the time you have something negative to say. You sincerely believe it's your duty to point out everything that's wrong with everything.
You can choose to change. Never forget that.
One of the signs of maturity is the ability to accept one's mistakes, to rectify one's behavior, and make amends where necessary. Almost every day I interview someone who sincerely believes that the source of his or her problems lies in somebody else. One third grader told me how his classmates "forced" him to get angry at them. A teenager told me how his mom's attitude caused him to lie constantly. A young married woman tried to convince me that she had to drink because her husband got on her nerves. I could tell you more stories, but the point is that as if we fall into the habit of blaming others for our mistakes and flaws, we will never do better. A wise person once said that when we blame others for our mistakes we give up our power to change. In other words as long as I hold others responsible for my attitude and my errors, I keep from looking in the mirror and identifying who is really at fault.
The same is true in relationships. It's easy to believe that our friends, spouses, parents, children, or co-workers need to do everything they possibly can to make us happy and keep us from getting upset. We demand that everyone walk on eggshells around us and cater to our every whim. This is an attitude of extreme selfishness and a recipe for a toxic relationship.
In order for us to be able to own up to our imperfections, we need to develop an honest connection with ourselves. We need to understand that we're not perfect and that we will make mistakes; everybody does. But instead of beating up on ourselves and feeling dejected over our shortcomings, we must be willing to rise above the situation, learn from it, take care of the damage, and then move on. Continually pointing fingers at others in a weak attempt to shift the attention or the blame turns you into a toxic person, the kind wise mothers tell their kids to stay away from.
How can you know if you're a toxic person?
1.You expect others to be responsible for your amusement. You go to a party and then complain that it was boring just because you chose to sulk in a corner while everybody else had fun.
2. You think being real means it's your duty to criticize and condemn everybody's ideas and suggestions. Some people mask their hostility by saying they're being honest.
3. You feel uncomfortable when somebody else gets complimented. Even though your work was not as good as the others, you expect to be celebrated for it.
4. You need to be the center of attention all the time, and when you're not, you do whatever it takes to get all eyes on you.
5. You call up your friends and immediately launch into a monologue about your life, your problems, your issues without even bothering to utter the clichéd "how are you?"
6. When somebody points out something you need to improve you turn it around and point out their own defects. You find it really hard to accept advice.
7. You look down on others who are not as attractive and successful as you think you are.
8. You go shopping and probably spend more than you should in an attempt to look better than "so-and-so". Thousands end up in debt because they buy stuff they don't need just to keep up with the Joneses.
9. You find yourself doing whatever it takes to impress, even if it means deliberately making a "friend" look bad.
10. You blame others for your mistakes or you cover them up, but are merciless with the shortcomings of others.
11. You notice that people sometimes make up silly excuses just to avoid you.
12. Most of the time you have something negative to say. You sincerely believe it's your duty to point out everything that's wrong with everything.
You can choose to change. Never forget that.
5 comments:
The funny thing is that toxic people don't know they're toxic :D
I think everyone has toxic moments - or days, but some are toxic 24/7 x
Some of the things you said are also part of "introversion". I usually get ignored when i say anything, I couldn't be "in the party" even if I wanted to. I don't like group things, they're exhausting for me. :/
I don't think we should shame depressed people either.
This feels narrow. personally I always find myself blaming myself -and I try realizing my shortcomings. I would prefer that, because that would mean I could change things. But I'm slowly finding out it's not up to me/in my control and I really dislike that.
Some of the point I agree with though.
I'm liking your new posts Jasmine!
You're right, it is so much easier to blame everyone for all the crap that happens in life. Blame society, blame teachers, blame God. It reminds me of a scene from the film American History X where one of the characters is speaking to another about just this and says, "The real question to ask is what have YOU done to make things better" (or something along those lines)
Hi Nas,
OMG - I just just watched that last night! and yes, that's so powerful, when the teacher asks him: "Has anything you've done made anything better?" and the big, evil hard man cries and cries (I cried myself in fact) Thanks for the support :0)
Hi Sanjana, you make a fair point - sometimes, its just not someone's personality to "get involved" so to speak..I would say there is a difference between recognising that this is part of yourself / your personality and not recognising it and and blaming others for it / putting others down for it instead :) Please keep sharing :)
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