Jasmine's Yard: Allegiance to the truth

Toxic Relationships Linked to illness

2012-01-27T12:05:00.000-08:00

"Surrounding ones self with people that do not represent competitive or toxic relationships may be the one way to avoid getting sick"

Read more at the Daily Mail

Are you Toxic?

2012-01-25T08:07:00.000-08:00

One of the signs of maturity is the ability to accept one's mistakes, to rectify one's behavior, and make amends where necessary. Almost every day I interview someone who sincerely believes that the source of his or her problems lies in somebody else. One third grader told me how his classmates "forced" him to get angry at them. A teenager told me how his mom's attitude caused him to lie constantly. A young married woman tried to convince me that she had to drink because her husband got on her nerves. I could tell you more stories, but the point is that as if we fall into the habit of blaming others for our mistakes and flaws, we will never do better. A wise person once said that when we blame others for our mistakes we give up our power to change. In other words as long as I hold others responsible for my attitude and my errors, I keep from looking in the mirror and identifying who is really at fault.

The same is true in relationships. It's easy to believe that our friends, spouses, parents, children, or co-workers need to do everything they possibly can to make us happy and keep us from getting upset. We demand that everyone walk on eggshells around us and cater to our every whim. This is an attitude of extreme selfishness and a recipe for a toxic relationship.

In order for us to be able to own up to our imperfections, we need to develop an honest connection with ourselves. We need to understand that we're not perfect and that we will make mistakes; everybody does. But instead of beating up on ourselves and feeling dejected over our shortcomings, we must be willing to rise above the situation, learn from it, take care of the damage, and then move on. Continually pointing fingers at others in a weak attempt to shift the attention or the blame turns you into a toxic person, the kind wise mothers tell their kids to stay away from.

How can you know if you're a toxic person?

1.You expect others to be responsible for your amusement. You go to a party and then complain that it was boring just because you chose to sulk in a corner while everybody else had fun.

2.            You think being real means it's your duty to criticize and condemn everybody's ideas and suggestions. Some people mask their hostility by saying they're being honest.

3.            You feel uncomfortable when somebody else gets complimented. Even though your work was not as good as the others, you expect to be celebrated for it.

4.            You need to be the center of attention all the time, and when you're not, you do whatever it takes to get all eyes on you.

5.            You call up your friends and immediately launch into a monologue about your life, your problems, your issues without even bothering to utter the clichéd "how are you?"

6.            When somebody points out something you need to improve you turn it around and point out their own defects. You find it really hard to accept advice.

7.            You look down on others who are not as attractive and successful as you think you are.

8.            You go shopping and probably spend more than you should in an attempt to look better than "so-and-so". Thousands end up in debt because they buy stuff they don't need just to keep up with the Joneses.

9.            You find yourself doing whatever it takes to impress, even if it means deliberately making a "friend" look bad.

10.        You blame others for your mistakes or you cover them up, but are merciless with the shortcomings of others.

11.         You notice that people sometimes make up silly excuses just to avoid you.

12. Most of the time you have something negative to say. You sincerely believe it's your duty to point out everything that's wrong with everything.

You can choose to change. Never forget that.

From: http://www.dinorahblackman.com/en/resources/76-are-you-that-toxic-person

Dealing with Negative People

2012-01-24T03:53:00.001-08:00

7 Simple Tips To Deal With Negative People

“The people who are the hardest to love are the ones who need it the most.” ~Peaceful Warrior

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Celestine Chua of The Personal Excellence Blog.

Have you ever dealt with negative people before? If you have, you will know that the experience can be quite a downer.

I used to have an ex-colleague who was very negative. In our conversations, she would complain endlessly about her co-workers, her work and her life. She was also very cynical about people in general, often doubting their intentions. Talking to her wasn’t a pleasant experience at all.

The first time we had a meeting, I felt very drained. Even though we talked for only 20-30 minutes, I didn’t have the mood or energy to do anything after our conversation. It felt as if someone had sucked the life out of me, and it wasn’t until 2-3 hours later that the effect wore off.

The same thing happened the next few times we talked. Because she was so pessimistic, her negative energy often spilled over after the conversation, leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth. For a period of time, I was quite bothered by her. I would avoid speaking to her if I could.

After a while, I figured I needed to work out an action plan to deal with negative people. After all, she was not going to be the only negative person I was going to encounter in my life. I thought: “For every 1 negative person I face now, there are probably thousands of them out there whom I’ll meet one day. If I learn how to deal with her effectively, I will be able to handle other negative people next time.”

With this in mind, I then brainstormed on the best approach to handle negative people.

Eventually, I developed several key steps to deal with negative people effectively. These steps have proven very helpful in making the best out of my relationships with them. While the people I face today are generally more positive, these steps come in handy when I’ve to deal with a negative person.

If there’s someone negative in your life at the moment, don’t let yourself be affected by him/her. You’re not alone in your problem – I face negative people as well and dealing with them is always a learning experience. While people can try to get you down, you’ve a choice in how you react to them.

Here, I’d like to share my 7 tips on how you can deal with negative people:

Tip #1: Don’t Engage in the Negativity

One thing I found is negative people tend to harp on the bad things and ignore the positive stuff. They also have a tendency to exaggerate issues they are facing, making their predicament seem a lot worse than it actually is.

The first time you converse with a negative individual, provide a listening ear and offer help if needed. Provide support – let him/her know he/she is not alone. However, be sure to draw a line somewhere. If the person keeps harping on the same problems even after the first few conversations, then it’s a sign to disengage.

For starters, try to switch topics. If he/she goes into a negative swirl, let him/her continue, but don’t engage in the negativity. Give a simple reply, such as “I see” or “Okay”. Whereas if he/she is being positive, reply in affirmation and enthusiasm. When you do it often enough, he/she will soon realize what’s going on, and will start to be more positive in his/her communication.

Tip #2: Hang Out In Groups

Speaking to a negative person can be extremely draining. When I spoke to my negative co-worker, I would be mentally drained for several hours, even though we talked for only 20-30 minutes. That was because I was on the receiving end of all her negativity.

To address this, have someone else around when conversing with the negative individual. In fact, the more people, the better. This way, the negative energy is divided between you and the other members, and you don’t have to bear the full brunt of the negative energy.

The plus point of having someone else around is that people bring out a different side to an individual. By having another party around, it may bring out a more positive side in the negative person. I experienced this before and it helped me to see the “negative” individual in a different, more positive light.

Tip #3: Objectify the Comments Made

Negative people can be quite critical at times. They tend to drop insensitive comments that are hurtful, especially if they are directed at you.

For example, I once had a friend who was quite tactless. She would drop jarring comments which were dismissive and critical. Initially I was bothered by her words, wondering why she had to be so critical every time she spoke. I also wondered if there was something wrong with me – that perhaps I wasn’t good enough. However, when I observed her interactions with our common friends, I realized she did this to them too. Her comments were not personal attacks – it was just her being the way she was.

Recognize that the negative person usually means no harm – he/she is just caught up in his/her negativity. Start by learning how to deal with critical comments. Objectify the comments made – Rather than take his/her words personally, recognize that he/she is just offering a point of view. Sieve out the underlying message and see if there is anything you can learn from what he/she said.

Tip #4: Go with Lighter Topics

Some negative people are triggered by certain topics. For example, one of my friends turns into a self-victimizer whenever we talk about work. No matter what what I say, he’ll keep complaining about everything in his job, which becomes quite a conversation dampener.

If the person is deeply entrenched in his/her negativity, the unhappiness may be too deeply rooted to address in a one-off conversation. Bring in a new topic to lighten the mood. Simple things like new movies, daily occurrences, common friends, hobbies, happy news, make for light conversation. Keep it to areas the person feels positive towards.

Tip #5: Be Mindful of the Time You Spend With Them

As Jim Rohn puts it – “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with”. What this quote means is that who you spend your time with has an impact on the person you eventually become.

I find it to be very true. Think about the times you hang out with negative people – Do you feel more positive or negative after that? Same for positive people – How do you feel after spending some time with them?

Whenever I’ve an encounter with negative people, I’d often feel negative after that, like a bad aftertaste. Whereas with positive people, I’d feel extremely upbeat and exuberant. Clearly, there is a spill over effect that takes place even after the interaction! By spending more time with negative people, your thoughts and emotions will slowly become negative too. At first it might be temporary, but over time it’ll slowly become ingrained in you.

If you feel certain people in your life are negative, then be conscious of how much time you’re spending with them. I recommend to limit the duration where you can help it. For example, if they want to hang out with you but you don’t enjoy their company, learn to say no. If it’s a meeting or phone call, set a limit to how long you want it to be. Keep to the objective of the discussion, and don’t let it extend beyond that time.

Tip #6: Identify Areas You Can Make a Positive Change

Negative people are negative because they lack love, positivity and warmth. A lot of times, their negative behavior is a barrier they erect to protect themselves from the world.

One of the best ways you can help a negative individual is to usher positivity into his/her life. Think about what’s bothering the person at the moment, and think about how you can help him/her in your own way. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate, and you definitely don’t have to go out of the way to help if you don’t want to. The key here is to be sincere in your desire to help, and to show him/her the upsides in life.

A while back, I had a friend who was unhappy with her job, due to the stagnating environment and culture mismatch. There was a job opportunity that arose in my (now former) workplace, so I introduced that opportunity to my friend. She eventually got the job, and she has been working there for over 3 years now, and doing very well.

Today, she’s a lot happier, forward-looking and proactive in life. She’s definitely a lot more positive than she was a few years ago. While I do not take any credit for what she has carved for herself in her career, I feel very happy knowing that I helped in a small way at the right time. Likewise, there’s always something you can do for others too – keep a look out and help where you can. Just a small act on your part may well make a huge difference in their lives.

Tip #7: Drop Them From Your Life

If all else fails, reduce contact with them or drop them from your life.

Rather than spend your time with negative people, focus on the positive people instead. In the past, I spent a lot of time with negative people, trying to help them with their issues. It drained up a lot of my energy and was often futile, which led me to rethink my methods. Ever since then, I worked on cultivating positivity by hanging out with positive friends and business partners. This has turned out to be a lot more rewarding and fruitful.

Remember that your life is yours to lead, and it’s up to you on how you want it to be. If there are negative people who make you feel bad about yourself, work on those issues with the 7 steps above. With the right actions, you can create a dramatic difference in what you get out of your relationships.

Celestine Chua writes at The Personal Excellence Blog on how to achieve our highest potential in life. Read her readers’ favorite 101 Inspiring Quotes of All Time and get her free ebooks here.

From: http://zenhabits.net/negative/

I'm doing Landmark

2012-01-23T02:22:00.000-08:00

Ever heard of the Landmark Forum?

It's a life coaching "course" which teaches you how to life a life that is (and I quote) "touching, moving and inspiring".

Its been widely critisied and investigated for accusations that it is a brainwashing cult. It has also been widely celebrated, with participants walking in with one life-agenda, and walking out with a significantly more generous, understanding and compassionate agenda, often setting out to complete community projects which they may have never considered before.

I did the first Landmark years ago, aged 21, the second one when I was 25 and the last one in the "curriculum for living" I am doing now and I have to say that it really is a great experience.

What I have learned about myself is that I am addicted to learning all forms of approach towards human happiness behaviour and ways of being - religion, meditation, Derren Brown, hypnosis, counselling, NLP, CBT, propaganda and other mind-orientated improvement, control and healing techniques - including Landmark. I guess what drives me is a burning desire to understand if there can be such a thing as a moral, self disciplined functional society and if so, how would that society be able to survive in a world seems to profit , accelerate and excel when employing mainly immoral behaviour.

How else could one be a qualified Reiki practitioner, an Islamic School English Literature and History Teacher, a counsellor and a Foreign English language teacher in Thailand & Cambodia and an ethnic marketing consultant? (and yes, by the way, I have been all of those things!)

What I learned was that I really can do anything I want with my life. No sooner does an idea pop into my head then...pooof! It happens. I never really saw it exactly that way before, but I am definitely not afraid of taking risks and making a mess of things. And I do always land on my feet again, and again and again.

I have gained a reputation amongst family and friends as "the one who always lands on her feet".

So. My job, from this day onwards: is to COMIT to following the path which "touches, moves and inspires" me.

So here goes (and yes, I have been "getting there" slowly - just needed a lil' push)

1.) Get onto NCTJ - and complete it
2.) Complete proofreading course - by end of year
3.) Find a job that is compatible with all of this - ASAP
4.) Do a community project - by April.

There. I've said it. Now - I have to do it and this blog is going to pressure me to fulfil it.

Rauf Denktas has passed

2012-01-16T03:41:00.000-08:00

Turks all over world mourn loss of Turkish Cyprus founder Denktaş

This man was the Cypriot Kemal Ataturk. A great man, a great thinker and someone who dedicated his life to Cyprus.

Reset

2012-01-14T03:19:00.000-08:00

I've changed. My thoughts have changed, my life has changed: I have changed.

Blog has to change.

Starting again.

(again!)